photo credit: Soroll

The Pick: Johan Neekens was a dutch delight and he deserves a place on my list of the 100 Best Soccer Players Ever. He treated fans of Clockwork Orange to only 49 of his performances, but still managed to muster nearly 20 goals. His pro career was also legendary, as he took the pitch for the best team in his homeland @ the time (Ajax), a successful side in Spain (Barca), and even a new crew in NY, NY (the defunct Cosmos, for whom he played close to 100 games).  

The Flick: He also helped steer the Netherlands to the World Cup Final twice, only to end up settling for an unsatisfying Silver Medal while his opponents gloated and waved their Golden Balls in his face. He still deserves his place on this list, but he could have been higher up if he had just managed to win in either ’74 or ’78. So, what actor should play him? Well, who is always the bridesmaid and never the bride @ those glitzy Hollywood award shows?

Um, how about Peter O’Toole circa Laurence of Arabia (not Supergirl)?

He was nominated for an Oscar seven times but never won.

The Limerick: Plus, he’s a dead ringer for the Dutch winger. Now it’s rhyme time:

Neeksens played like a hero and should have worn a cape  

But his mentor’s shadow he never could escape 

‘Twas a man named Cruyff, Johan

 No, it wasn’t Lindsay Lohan

Though some say all 3 starred in a sex tape

photo credit: Peter π

The Pick: The most famous player during the era of the USSR (which we Yanks tried to ensure was as short as possible) was Lev Yashin, who is remembered today as perhaps the greatest GK of all-time. He played between the posts for the Soviets in 78 matches and ceded only 70 goals. His pro career was also stellar, and Dynamo Moscow supporters celebrated each of his +400 clean sheets. Yes, you read that correctly. That’s four, zero, zero. 400.

The Flick: Wow. He was also named to two World Cup Best XI lists, and the trophy for the best GK at the World Cup is now named for him. But, who can play him in my fictional film about his life? Well, let’s see, I don’t know much about Russia except what I saw in The Hunt for Red October, so I will pick someone from that fabulous film. So, it’s got to be either Connery or Baldwin. I’m going to go with a circa “Dr. No” Connery. I think he could portray Yashin perfectly.

Well, so long as he could master the accent again.

The Limerick: Um, wait, he never mastered it the first time! Here is Yashin’s yarn:

Yashin manned the net for the “Hammer and Sickle”

For several strikers, he presented quite a pickle

He was tall and lean

And his sheets were clean

 Unless he just treated his queen to a tickle

The Pick: You can look at the fact that I – the Bard - placed Cafu in the #57 position on my ranking of the 100 Best Soccer Players Ever many different ways. If you are a Brazil fan, you likely believe that it is absolutely criminal that I have him so far from the top. You would point out to me that with his 2 freakin’ World Cups and 142 caps for Brazil (a national record), he has a damn impressive resume, and you would be right. But I already have too many BRA guys.

The Flick: Yep, that country is so good that someone as good as Cafu comes in @ #57 just because I need to space these Brazilian dudes out a little bit. Anyways, the real question is not if my ranking is fair but who should play Cafu in my fictional film about his life. We will need someone legendary because Cafu is one of the greatest right backs ever. We will also need someone who looks like Cafu. You know who I like? None other than Sammy Davis, Jr circa 1950.

The Limerick: The Candy Man could have captured Cafu, and here is a rhyme for you:

Cafu spent his pro career in Italy‘s top flight

And he won 2 Rimets without putting up a fight

He was great on the pitch

And off of it he was rich

So both mistresses and managers he did delight

photo credit: ++Frank++

photo credit: indigoprime

The Pick: I know many of you are shocked I have Daei not only on this list, but ahead of Garrincha, Messi, etc.  you are thinking that I’ve suffered a head injury and my rankings are delusional. Well, I promise you, that is not the case. The reason Daei is here is because he deserves to be. After all, he is the all-time leading (male) scorer of all time in international play. His 109 goals for Iran tops everyone with testes. A couple US Lady Nats have notched more though.

The Flick: Maybe I did suffer a head injury, because now I am dreaming of a series about the bawdy Bard’s 100 Best Women’s Soccer Players of All-Time. But sonnets about Hamm would also involve guilding the Lilly, so I will need to get back to my task at hand, which is to pick an actor to play the heroic Ali Daei in my film about his life. Well, I know of one guy who is a fine actor and a dead ringer for Daei: Khalid Abdallah. He was good in The Kite Runner.  

The Limerick: Plus, he’ll just be thankful he doesn’t have to play a terrorist for once:

 No man is more beloved by his country than ”The King”

Ali Daei was a player to which fans’ hopes could cling

Now he donates checks

And tapes ads with Becks

But he won’t let you film their next fling

photo credit: JoelZimmer

The Pick: I will admit that my rankings are flawed. I have to, I have Garrincha at #62. I suppose it’s because even though he was brilliant for Brazil in two World Cups (1958 and 1962), he only scored 12 international goals in his entire career. He did score over 200 goals as a pro, but he did it for a Brazilian superpower against a few suspect sides (and it took him +600 games to do it). So, even though he was one of the best ever, his stats have held him back a bit. 

The Flick: In Hollywood, the only stats that matter are those at the box office. So, what guy puts in good performances but hasn’t found the right roles to put up big box office numbers? Plus, who looks like Garrincha? He was a weird one.  Hmm, how about Michael Ealy. After all, he was in Nine Pounds or whatever that Will Smith movie was a while back, and I have already cast the Fresh Prince as Jairzinho, Garrincha’s initial rival but eventual protege.

I think those two guys could do well together in a film about the 1962 World Cup.

But who would play Pele?

Ah, you’ll have to wait for that for a good while longer. 

The Limerick: Garrincha deserves a better actor, but I only have time to spit this rhyme:

Garrincha’s play was so sexy that it sometimes drew catcalls

But his drinking and anger off the pitch always ended in brawls

With him you couldn’t quibble

About his ability to dribble

Else he’d assault you with his giant Golden Balls

photo credit: Crystian Cruz

The Pick: Pavel Nedved was undoubtedly one of the best midfielders of his generation, so I – the Bard – have decided to provide you all with a soliloquoy about his sizeable talents. The Czech checked into almost 500 matches in his pro career (499 to be exact) and notched 110 goals while on the pitch. He was also a fine international player, scoring 18 goals in 91 appearances for his homeland. He proved that Czech players could hold their own in Europe’s best leagues.

The Flick: He was a coach’s dream in midfield: a player who could score goals but also spur others to score with his amazing counterattacking defensive skills. He mugged many of the world’s best while he was with Juve and Lazio. He’s odd though. Did you know that he and his wife named their son and daughter after themselves, respectively. That’s just plain confusing for everyone. So, what actor can capture both Pavel’s long locks, yet look dazed and confused?

I am going with Matthew McConaughey.

The Limerick: Don’t know how often Nedved went shirtless, but we’ll work it into the script:

Nedved’s success would have made most men vain 

But he stayed grounded and refused to shear his mane

He was known as ”The Fury”

For Juve he came in a hurry

 And by coming he filled the shoes of Zidane

photo credit: batrax

The Pick: Great men of the past are honored in the present when we name things after them. Giuseppe Meazza was so impressive on the pitch that the Italian people have run out of things to name after him. Awards? Check. Stadium? Check. Soccer moves? Yes, check mate. Meazza is still remembered today as one of the best Italian strikers ever even though there are few people left who were eye witnesses to his majestic marches to two World Cup titles with Italy.

The Flick: He also won three Serie A titles with Inter (or what they called Inter back then), scored 268 goals in 443 pro matches and put it past the keeper 33 times in only 53 games for the Azzurri. He was good, but could he have been better. Some historians of the game note that he loved brothels and beverages so much that he never slept in his own bed the night before a match, and he never showed up for the game until kick off. So, who is perfect for the part?   

Mr. Sheen, your trailer is right this way.

The Limerick: Well, he actually looked more like Pacino in The Godfather! Hoooo-ah!   

A century ago kids didn’t spend summers moping around a mall

No, they played soccer barefoot, like Meazza the Italian meatball

Wait, was that racist?

It sure had no basis

He wasn’t as known for his meat as he was his Golden Ball.

photo credit: KLMircea

The Pick: Turkey is delicious. It’s my favorite lunch meat. Turkey is also a country. It’s not my favorite country (see name above) but it – like many around the world – has become permeated by soccer and produced great players. Hakan Sukur is my favorite Turkish player of all-time though, so I am adding a dash of him to my Top 100. He earned it with his most famous dash of all (aka “the Fastest Goal in FIFA World Cup History”), which only took 10.8 seconds. 

The Flick: He scored 50 other (slower) goals for Turkey over 112 games (which is the most appearances for a non-GK in the nation). But who should play Sukur in my fictional bio-pic? This is a tough one. He spent his career scoring goals like a Turkish madman. Ah, Mad Men, I’ll have Jon Hamm with a side of southern cole slaw. That’s right. Coming soon to a cinema near you, Hamm will be basting defenders for Turkey’s national team on the silver screen. 

Now we need Kevin Bacon to agree to play Sukur’s Brazilian rival, Ronaldo. 

The Limerick: If Bacon could sizzle in that starring antagonist role, I’d pay to see it!

Sukur was known as “The Bosphorus Bull”

 Because he was best when push came to pull

He fought for Turkey

 And he never ate beef jerky

Instead he dined on his ladies’ lunch meat by the mouthful

photo credit: anthony040

The Pick: It is I – the Bard – and I am back once again to regale you with the tale of one of my Top 100 Soccer Players of All-Time. This week’s episode explains the fantastic soccer exploits of one Lillian Thuram. The man was a wall in defense, and he deserves this fine honor, but please keep your clapping to a minimum throughout the entire montage. That’s right, Thuram played pro ball all over Europe for some great teams, but he will always be known for Les Bleus. 

The Flick: You see, Thuram might not have made this list if not for his great international career. His Serie A teams won some trophies, but his 500 games left him with little personal accolades. However, when it came to the international scene, he was brilliant. He was the most capped player in France’s history. He was the Man of the Match in two semifinals that ended with France in the Final of the World Cup. Who should play him? Well…

Who is despised in America, yet beloved by the world.

Woody Allen.

The Limerick: OK, I am clearly joking. Woody couldn’t play Lillian. He speaks French too well:

Lillian Thuram won the Bronze Ball in 1998 and proceeded to dance.

He became a hero, but later he feuded with the President of France.

Why’d they disagree?

Isn’t it easy to see!

They both like a political drama peppered between each romance.

photo credit: -MRTN-

The Pick: Alessandro Costacurta becomes a deserving member of the Bard’s Top 100 today, and I can’t say that it has nothing to do with the fact that his wife is one of the finest specimens God has ever chiseled with his holy… um… chisel, I guess. I mean, seriously, google “Martina Colombari”. You’ll thank me. Just google “Miss Italy” while you are at it and you will see why it is very good to be an Italian soccer star. Costacurta’s career was also a beauty. 

The Flick: The man played his whole career with Milan, where he won five Champions League titles and seven Scudettos. He also donated his efforts to Italy’s National Team, the Azzurri, in nearly 60 matches. Despite all these accolades, I still think of him as the guy with the smoking hot SATO WAG of the Week. What actor also dates an Italian Wag and would also look very good playing Costacurta in a film. Why, it’s George Clooney, of course. 

The Limerick: Alessandro, watch Clooney around Martina, that man’s incorrigible!

Costacurta is a legend honored without reproach

He had the type of skills that one cannot coach

His statistics were silly

  That kid they called “Billy”

Twas’ both goals and a beauty he did poach